Glory to the Prophet Mohammed Electric Machines

Another KOC (kid of celebrity) has written a book on being a celeb’s kid. This time, it’s Shirley MacLaine’s daughter, Sachi Parker. I haven’t read it yet, though I plan to. Early reports are that MacLaine is yet another woman who shouldn’t have had kids.
In the world of crazy people, it’s no secret that a number of them come from really fucked up families. It’s kind of the norm. The National Alliance for the Mentally Ill (NAMI), which is a family advocacy group in disguise, has a huge budget from a variety of unsurprising sources to spread the word that it’s not their fault. It’s faulty neurons in the brain.

Even though that’s a load, and most “mental illness” is very clearly trauma based, biological treatments – especially electroshock – are very helpful. Medications get patients under control and make them compliant by using drool, weight gain and diabetes.

Electroshock and lobotomy (yes, it’s still used, get it and rejoice!) do a masterful job of rearranging faulty neurons and curing breast cancer at the same time. Max Fink, grandaddy of American shock, and terrorist buster to the feds, says so. Next thing you know, some con-man in St. Louis will claim to remove 978 space aliens from your body with a whoosh and a sashay!

And electroshock can be used in a variety of ways to better modern society. It also works in non-modern societies, particularly when you need a woman or child to strap on a bomb and blow up a marketplace. Any reservations that a would-be suicide bomber might have can be calmed with the appropriate use of an electroshock machine. I have proposed that these devices be renamed “Glory to the Prophet Mohammed Electric Machines” in countries that use suicide bombers as a means of performance art.

The most impressive use of shock therapy is to make ladies become better mothers and wives. Not so long ago it was called “ElectroLove Therapy.” Now I call it Riding the Cannon of Love, and it involves taking a wife who isn’t behaving appropriately, giving her shock therapy (ElectroLove) and reprogramming her into the proper wife she needs to be.

When H.C. Tien used ElectroLove, he instructed the husbands to bottle feed the shocked wives while reprogramming them. This sounds like the most delicious science fiction movie, doesn’t it? But it’s TRUE!

After the reprogramming, the wives would take on new names and go home to be the obedient housewives they were born to be.

So I think we should bring back this astounding program and expand it. Anyone who doesn’t behave properly (gays, liberals, atheists and other heathens) should be signed up for the program and reprogrammed into good Americans.

Imagine the possibilities! I think I need to write a novel.

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