DJ Jaffe taps Subway sandwich to head SAMHSA

In a stunning new development, leading mental illness advocate DJ Jaffe has called on President Obama to name a Subway sandwich as the new head of the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA).

“I nominate the Chipotle Steak and Cheese Subway Sandwich,” Jaffe said at a news conference. “This nomination will also help extend outreach to our Latino mentally ill brothers and sisters. Chipotle is Mexican and stuff.”

When reached for comment, the president responded, “I’ve never heard of this nitwit, and I hope he’s listed in the federal database of crazy people. If not, I ask that Vice President Biden add his name immediately. The country is at immediate risk for another gun tragedy if we let this tool run loose.”

Subway Sandwich Corp. did not return calls by the time this story went to print, but Roy Timmons, a customer in a Long Island Subway shop, said that he would support any Subway sandwich in high government positions.

“A sandwich is probably smarter than the idiots in DC anyway,” he said. “Plus, if they get caught in a sex scandal, you just put some mustard on them and eat them.”

Comments

  1. Jaffe's Biggest Fan says

    Dear Webmistress,

    You’re mistaken. That was a giant cockmeat sandwich that DJ Jaffe was tapping. Please try to report accurately in the future.

    Thank you in advance.

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